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Fucked up family.

It fucked up how people expect them to respect them, and in fact shamelessly ask for it. and treat you like crap. What are you supposed to do with those kinda people? Ignore? I know the best option, but what if that person is your family, you are left with nothing. you die dealing with them till your last breathe. This is fucked up fate.

Being stuck with a family who say they love you, but want you to become a person, they want me to be. conditional love every fucking where. I’m being judged for the guys i have been with. i was desperate for love, found my own ways to fulfill the love they couldn’t give and i craved.

Maybe people like me, will never understand what others want in their life from YOU. Guess what, i don’t care anymore. I wont actually. Its been 22 years of suffering with so called FAMILY. Why are they even called family when there is no love, support or caring, just selfishness.

A father who thinks He know the perfect equation for living happily, That is following the so called rules of society, and not giving a fuck about oneself. A mother, who doesn’t know how to love or talk to a person, only thing she knows is to rant about how fucked ones past is. And a younger sister, who doesn’t give a fuck about family and always in her own world.

Why couldn’t i be born in a normal family. sigh.

Chapter 3

Katie brown always wondered if the relationship she shared with Harvey was passionate affection or the craving she craved? They both wanted to believe it was love, but their sexuality always had a way to get its way through them. They both wanted to be responsible adults and get settled in life, so they could marry one another. Was it just a fantasy they both had, which bought them together, or were they meant to be together?

Harvey was aware of his uncontrollable sensuality and would apologize often. He was always paranoid, that Katie would leave him because she would think it was just lust he had for her. He was scared he wouldn’t be able to express what she meant to him. He was always honest and loyal but never double-faced. He loved her more than anything, and wanted to make her, his only forever wife. He wanted that life forever, the romantic relationship, with lots of oozing love. KATVEY against the world.

Katie had different plans for the future, sure she wanted him to be her life partner, but she wanted more than a life partner, she wanted a partner in crime. She didn’t want to give up her playful nature, she didn’t want to be all grown up, she wanted to be childish and amateur even when she gets old. She wanted excitement and surprises in life. She didn’t want to plan the future, she wanted to flow like a leave in the river, flow with streams, experience each and every moment of life.

Harvey wanted a house and spend time with Katie, but she wanted to travel the world, and never stay in one place. She was crazy, and that’s what Harvey adored about her. the question was why did Katie like him? He wasn’t that smart-looking, he was weak with his language skills, he was a plan everything person, what made Katie stay with Harvey for one and half years. Why did she want to spend rest of the life with a person totally opposite of her, a person who wanted everything opposite of what she wanted.

The relationship they shared was astonishment for the people around. Everyone knew they were very different from each other, but have been together since they have met. “Why him? “, “why her? ” were the questions asked by their friends , family and people around. They would just smile,because even they didn’t know, why they wanted each other.

 

 

Episode 1 of 13 reasons why.

First episode of 13 reasons why, and I was disturbed by my past. I remembered myself back in high school, I remembered the first time i walked into my second college and the stares people gave me.

The first episode was about how she had her first dreamy kiss with a boy in high school and how that jock spreads a picture of her to the whole school and rumour spread that they did it.

This series was a suggestion by my close friend peter, who says he felt like the guy when I was gone from my second college. There were rumours, not the ones which you could ignore, the ones which hurt your self-esteem.

It made me think about how one of my ex in high school told everyone we did it, even though we didn’t, and how people treated me like a slut through out my schooling. even my parents. It still hurt because the people who knew all this and told me they would stick by my side, didn’t. and now I’m left all alone here.

Peter cares, but its more like a fantasy. Its been seven years since it all started, and I’m still not over it. I have been suffering all this within my head, faking a smile.

Maybe this series will help me get over my past.

 

xoxo

Mia

Chapter 2

All her insecurities and doubts are put to rest when they talked on the phone, he just had a way to make a hole through that bricks of the high wall she built. She always believed, he could make her happy no matter what, this change in her she felt every time, she spoke to him, was a surprise.

Katie brown was the biggest animal lover alive, she used to treat people like animals and animals like people. She owned a dog, Muffin and a cat, snowball. She rescued them in abroad, and got them to her state when they moved. She named her cat snowball from the movie, Stuart Little. And the dog, well she loved muffin. She took Muffin for a walk with her dad, and all she could think about was, how much muffin meant to her.

He noticed that she had changed her Instagram name, and questioned her why? Playful that she was, told him,  he had his name alone, so she kept her name alone. he smiled, and gave her a flying kiss. This is what he liked in her, even after so many troubled period, she still had a pure heart and soul, just like a child.

Meanwhile, at Katie’s home, she was happy that she spoke with him, and he seemed normal. The only thing which was bothering her was, Harvey said “sorry”, without any notice. I mean he hadn’t done anything to her to hurt her, out of the blue, said sorry. it bothered her more than it should. Last time he said sorry was because, he had smoked, and thought bad about Katie . What was it now, he was saying sorry, was all Katie could think of, lying on the bed. She slept off thinking about him, and dreams weren’t polite to her either.

She got and checked her phone for a text from him to forget all the negative vibes her dreams gave her. And was relieved when she found a good morning text from him. she was the luckiest girl indeed.

No matter how much Katie tried, hiding her insecurities, he always got to taste her bitter words often. Harvey knew something was wrong, but he didn’t know what. he wanted to help, but he didn’t know how. he wanted to save her, but also wanted to get saved himself. he was in this situation where, he could handle himself and Katie became his responsibility, which he didn’t know how to take care of. All he trusted was in love.

She did realize, when her words hurt him, because nobody knew him, like she did. She wanted to make things right, she couldn’t let him suffer her bitterness, because she was insecure. so she decided to call him, make him feel better. Her heart was throbbing hard when he didn’t attend the call first time. Was he too upset to talk to her? PING. He messaged someone was home, so he had to take care of that. She pushed her insecurities aside and waited for him to call her.

Katie wasn’t afraid of being different, she was scared of being same, which made her decisions all the time. She refuse to stay in college and get a degree, it was same as everyone else. That cause an unknown stress in her, more like an anxiety attack and always messed up, she wasn’t dumb, she always got the highest marks in her class. But she didn’t want that normal track people went on, she loved adventure, more than anything. Her imagination was vast, yet slightly wicked.

She was drying her clothes in the balcony, and suddenly heard some dripping of liquid. she knew it was water, but her mind wouldn’t just stop at that. She wanted to believe it was blood dripping, and someone was lying dead on top of her grilled balcony. And someone looking at her from the above floor, but she wasn’t able to see his face.

Wickedness is a gift, she believed. Not everyone had wicked sense of humour, sure people had sadism in them, but wickedness was rare. Harvey was wicked in the mind, but not in reality, which was kind of when Katie lost her the one tag above his head. He was very sadist but not wicked, that really bothered her unconsciously. He stopped finding him sexy when he tried to make move, she actually hated the way he was when he said erotic things, try to be sexy for her, she was turned off by them, but she pretended that it made her wet, and the poor Harvey believed her. She loved him.

Harvey said many things, but his actions never said anything his mind said to her. His fight was when she realized he was wicked. But after they got together, he never saw the wickedness in him for others, he showed some signs of sadism towards her, but not wickedness. Being away from him, she realized so many things about him, and it hurt her, thinking everything she taught about him was a misinterpretation. And as hard as she wanted to move on without him in life, that much she wanted to be with him. She was confused in love. She always believed the vibes she felt, but these vibes were confusing her, everyone around her said Harvey had negative vibes, but she saw positive vibes in him. Sometimes she felt, she wasn’t good enough for him, because he needed someone who would take care of him, and help him in every move he makes. but Katie had no time for that, she wanted adventure in life. She didn’t have time, to take care of people, because she had to take care of the cravings for adventure. She wanted love, but not the one they show on television, but the one who didn’t need any emotional mess. Katie get overwhelmed when it comes to emotions. After her ex-boyfriend cheated on her, she couldnt keep anyone before herself, even if she wanted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not wanting relationship or playing hard to get?

I don’t why people don’t get my statement, ” I want to focus on my career and not in relationships” as a playing hard to get. I mean why don’t they just believe it’s what I want for real.

There is this guy who i used to have friends with benefits kind of relationship before. And now I let him back in my life, and it feels like he thinks im still the same person, who wants benefits. I don’t want anything but a supporting friend.

why is it so hard to make friends who don’t like me, or fantasize about my body,  they don’t want to get to know me and my thoughts. All they want to talk about is how perfect my body is.

I sometimes mistake it to be my fault to being an open-minded woman around him, but then later realize, that’s what I am. i like sexual jokes and comments as jokes, i literally don’t want to bang someone when i tell them any jokes like that. why is it so hard for them to understand

Ash made me feel like im good enough for sex but not good enough to be his girlfriends in every move in the past, and now he just gives me an excuse that he just didn’t used to meet me or ditch me because he was always bankrupt.

I mean the only time I met him mostly was when we were intimate with each other. he never met me for walks or just hangouts, yes sure he was texting me about how he wanted us in future, but his actions didn’t show anything to what his text said.

And I feel very weird trying to tell him, how he made me feel. And now he blames me that im trying hard to get, even though I told him clearly, i don’t want him.

Especially after Harvey she didn’t want anything to do with guys, she really liked him, but he turned out to be a jerk for whom she gave up her career again. so she wants to put her career first.

A girl wants to experience self-love and nothing else, make new friendships. but apparently nobody wants to be friends with me. everybody wants to be my boyfriend or just get into my pants.

 

I’m not going to stress about what others what, I need to be selfish and do what makes me happy. And that’s exactly what i am going to do.

chapter 1

He didn’t notice. He didn’t notice the puffiness in my eyes, he didn’t notice the reddish nose and cheeks, he didn’t notice her anymore. He didn’t even notice that she noticed he didn’t notice her any more.

Little did he know, she noticed every single move of his, she started distancing him, the wall she had such a hard time breaking down, and now he was the cause she was building it back again. he didn’t care, if she was sad, he was just a … well.. a boy.

This story is about Katie brown, a young adult. She had a normal happy childhood like any other kid of her age. She was cheerful and go lucky. She was the charm of the party, she was healthy dusky, with short black hair. Everything was fine till her family decided to move abroad. After 10 years in abroad, she seems lost, she was drastically skinny, her hair had grown out, she was beautiful brunette, yet something was changed. she wasn’t that cheerful girl anymore, she was more silent, especially after her recent drop out.

This was her last hope, to become something in life, which she had spoiled it with her boyfriend. They both dropped out, and surely their parents weren’t happy about it, they wanted to help her. but Katie had her walls built higher than they were before. She distanced herself from her parents, sister and even her boyfriend, whom she loved the most.

Katie’s self-esteem was falling down day by day as each day passed. she blamed herself for everything. Her mother, didn’t make it any easy on her, she always openly blamed her, made her lose the hope she had seen in herself when she let her parents get her back home. Katie still wanted to become something and  move out of the house as soon as possible.

She couldn’t take her mother’s harassing, even though her father didn’t blame her openly, she knew it was because of her, he lost his job. She couldn’t deal eating with them together, after all she had made them go through. She had crawled behind the high wall she built, and she wasn’t planning on breaking it anytime soon.

H texted her, but she couldn’t see the person she fell in love in the text, it just seems like a normal text.

All these emotions, kicked the sexual side from her body, she no longer felt the sexual tension, she used to have with him. She always felt like she was a sex object. was he actually treating her, like one? She tried explaining it to him, many times. But he was just very bad at timings, reading the situation, reading the expression, interpreting anything. he wasn’t good for her. He effected her mentally, emotionally and physically, and it wasn’t good at all. Her parents also disapproved him. She was stuck in this stupid love trance, she always thought it wouldn’t be like the basic couples but they were. They were the basic couple, who loved each other a lot, had the perfect chemistry but were bad at expressing and understanding each other. They fought a lot, a lot was a small word.

Harvey Saint was the love of Katie’s dream. He was everything she was looking for, he loved her like crazy, he always kept her first priority. He always had her back even when she didn’t want him. He didn’t know, she had fallen in love with him when he hit the guy who walked with her, because he spread rumours about her. He wasn’t all handsome looking, but that wasn’t what Katie wanted.

Everything was like a fairy tale, till they took the wrong step. the recovery was harder than said, they were away from each other. hadn’t spoken to each other properly for months now. The distance made so many changes in them, Katie and Harvey  loved each other so much, that they could give their lives for each other, which they had proved.  They both had their baggage, which was hard to get over for both of them, in spite all the forces against them, they loved each other more and more every day.

Her insecurities list was long as Mount Everest, thanks to her past. she saw his profile picture, and felt it in her guts, he was getting into smoking, or even worse drugs. she wasn’t sure, and that scared her. She knew it would totally screw his mind, because she had been there, done that. she was sacred he would do the same, and push her away from his life. He posted quotes, “don’t force anyone to love you, if they don’t take effort to love you, then leave them.” Is it possible? he was talking about her.

Its a mystery if it was meant for her, but after seeing all that, she felt all the fingers pointing at her. She was scared, he would repeat his break up with his ex-girlfriend with her too. She was scared about many things, but mainly about losing him. She was scared but she wasn’t going to show him. There was this thing about, his admission to college, he broke up with his ex-girlfriend, who he had dated for two years after meeting  Katie in college. He told Katie,  it was just a physical relationship. Katie was scared about Harvey meeting a new girl, and then dumping her. Her heart said, he wouldn’t, because he loved her. But her insecurities were getting out of hand. They made Katie doubt every move Harvey made, and it killed her inside.

She couldn’t bear doubting him so much because of her insecurities. she never told him, because she thought he would be hurt. And sometimes it made her feel guilty because she knew he deserved the truth.

 

Belittled because of skin.

Its four days before I release my model portfolio on online, and i have already started receiving comments like that dress wont suit you, you look dark in red and can’t cant or shouldn’t.

Who comes up with what looks good on me, who are they to make me doubt my own skin. Who are they to tell me I should wear certain kind of dress? why do they always pull you back, when you are trying to get back up in life? why are people are so worried about making mistakes, that they pull others also down from  trying?

All these questions were all over my head, when I saw these texts from people who were close tome,partially reminding me, of my emotional abusive relation but this time i smiled.

I wasnt going to listen to people, I wasnt going to take their comments on my heart and doubt myself, instead i was going to prove them wrong. Prove them wrong, about everything, they told me i cant.

I wasnt going to let criticism get to me…

Road to Recovery.

Its been since the incident, was i  ought to get over it? or just was stuck with the disturbing memory, that the man who i thought was going to be my everything, doesn’t exist in my life anymore.

Love. This single word had lot of molding to do, in my life. But then again, was it love or the people who i let in? I still woke up to nightmares, where he tried to torture me, end up crying. It was such a confusing period, where you love a person, but you know he is bad for you, every way possible.

STAYING STRONG.

Breaking up for disrespecting

He was abusing me  And talking like a drunk person. So I cut the call. And took a breathe. It was really happening he wanted an out too?

I don’t like anybody telling me what to do. How hard is it to understand that. I’m not talking to him because of that.

He’s blocked me on instagram. Good. The more I forget his regional language. The more I’ll forget him. The sparked died, when I blew him in the car. I knew it we were over. 

Just kept denying. Because he was there infront of me. Now  I’m okay. 

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